Accepting Compliments
Up until recently, if I was given a compliment, I deflected. From discomfort, and so as not to appear arrogant. If someone told me I was doing well, I’d assume they were just saying it to be nice, but did not mean it.
But why? When I give people compliments, I’m rarely disingenuous about it, maybe 1% of the time. But on the other side, I was assuming 99% of the time others were being disingenuous, which frankly is a bit of an crappy move on my part. I was being genuine but they weren’t? That is a rude way to view other people.
I’m pretty sure this came from a place of insecurity, an internal questioning where I am not seeing myself the way they are and so I cannot accept their positive regard for me. And it was fed by feeling like I should be humble, because that is what nice people do.
That deflection had become a knee jerk reaction, but at a certain point it began to feel false. I’ve spent quite a few years trying to manoeuvre myself into a more fitting space work and career wise and at the moment, I generally feel like my work is a good fit for me. When I get compliments now they don’t bring up the same level of discomfort. Often they sit quite well. I see many contributing factors to this change. I’m older, and with more experiences experienced, I have a greater level of trust in my own competence and contribution.
I’m also no longer buying into the idea that I need to be humble to be accepted. Instead, I often think about the sentiment of this quote from John Wooden: ‘You are just as good as anyone, but you're no better than anybody.’
So instead of changing the subject or downplaying the compliment, I have started saying thank you. ‘Thank you for saying that, I really appreciate it’. Pause, accept, appreciate. And hold eye contact while doing so.
I have many wobbly moments, self doubt rises daily. But accepting compliments and in the process allowing others to reflect back to me where I make a valued contribution often has the impact of giving me a ballast in these wobbly moments. I can remind myself that I have done good work before, and there is a high chance that I will continue to do good work. I can remind myself that I have navigated challenging experiences before and again, there is a good chance I will be able to navigate them again. In this way I proactively work on my internalised sense of confidence.
I do not plan on building my entire sense of self-worth on the compliments of others. If I did that without some level of scrutiny then I also commit to the opposite which is accepting all constructive criticism or just flat out negative feedback as being objectively true as well. That is not a good strategy.
But nor does it feel helpful to constantly deflect when someone is kind enough to offer me unprompted positive feedback. If I feel a kernel of truth in what they say then I let that swirl around a little. In the same way, if someone offers me constructive criticism then I reflect on that too, to see where the truth of it lies for me.
In this way compliments offer connection, to ourselves and to others. It is so hard to see ourselves clearly, so I choose to accept compliments as a kindness from someone else who cares enough to want me to feel seen.
In parenting terms, accepting compliments is also really important role modelling. I am no expert on this, but Monty's speech therapist introduced it as part of our work. Giving and accepting compliments in the family, and being specific in those compliments is really important to support strong, self-assured growing children. x